Day 44

It’s 10:30, I’ve not long walked back home from my Dad’s, with k.

Not much to do really, it’s times like this I wish I had a dog, so I could go for a walk.

Made Mista breakfast in bed, I forgot he was leaving at 6, so did’nt have long with him 😦

Still trying to make arrangements to go King’s Lynn, I’m looking forward to going, but at the same time dreading it.

Things I’m finding easier:

1) I don’t panic or get anxious when being dropped off at Dad’s.

2) I can sit at Dad’s and be relaxed compared to start of year.

3) I ‘m happy to be alone at home.

4) I’m happy to be left at my Dad’s with k alone : so need to get comfortable alone at our house)

5) I CAN take k to school from mine and pick her up (some days it makes me anxious, but I’m learning to let the bully come if it wants to)

6) I CAN walk home from my Dad’s with K and be FINE

7) I’m fine going to Wisbech, and trying a few other area’s (as long as I know where I am)

8) I’m learning to handle the fear when alone at night at my Dad’s, (this needs to become comfortable for me to try at home)

9) I’ve learnt not to worry to much, and get myself worked up over nothing.

10) I’m becoming stronger, and ready for more.

Day 28

It’s a nice bright blue day, and I want adventure!

Gawd I would love to be able to go touch Castle Rising’s wall and Kiss my prince up against it 🙂 Run down the moat hand in hand with him……Blah Being a softie!!

Mista is seeing his kids tomorrow, so I made arrangement’s with E and asked if she would like K for the day, as it gives me a break, I’m free to do what i want to do and not feel trapped round my dad’s, she offered to have her for the night, which I figure will be nice as when Mista return’s we are both free to do something together. So I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

For now I am sat here waiting for Mista to text back but his phone is off, or out of range…..I had a little adventure planned for him later, If he want’s to take part!

Update:

Well Mista returned Home extra early, which turned out to be a good thing cause he caught me on a day that all i want is to break free from my prison…. not sure If the progress made him happy but I sure was.

Got to the 1st round about on the kings Lynn road with him, so next time I know I can go further.

I felt I had let Mista down, so started thinking “well fuck it then, I won’t bother” It’s hard for someone to Know how you are feeling inside and I was bloody scared, and held it together, anyway I let it pass and asked to go to Upwell, Or Outwell I still get confused with the 2. And although I was still nervous, I was ok, and managed to go In the church grounds this time, I can see that the more places I go the bigger my comfort zone becomes and this is what we are supposed to be working on, I think it’s coming along fine?? Yeh it’s hard because we havent had much chance to be with ourselves and get some Traveling done, but we did a lot today.

Went to Coldham, and also further up the road to a mates old house i spent a lot of time in, it made my heart smile, to see it after all these years, I knew over the bridge was March as me and my mate would often bike into March from her’s. I still remember the song we would sing on the way, and the time we was attacked by midges!

On way home we went to look for the bike track in friday bridge, and had a nice little walk down there, looks a good place for the summer.

Then into town and booked ourselves into the cinema for tomorrow.

Day 20

Escaped to dads again this morning, feeling very anxious today, I did fall fast alseep when i got to dads, so thats a good thing.

He went to walsoken and doctors so he dropped me off at the church about 9:30.

Supposed to be going round Shell’s to collect my psp, havent got round to it yet, and also someone was meant to be coming down to have alook at my chest freezer!

Ok so Sam’s Mum came round about 11, to look at the freezer, decided she wanted it but no trade for a small one, selling it for £20.

Took Belle out for a stroll, picked K up and waited for Mista at my dads as he was running late from work.

Mista cooked Tea – Haggis and Neeps, was very Tasty.

Day 18

Paul had the day off to go to hospital this morning to see about his broken finger.

He was’nt long, we then went into town, got some shopping in, picked K up from school and took a walk over to what is known as “The bottomless Pit” I got stuck in the mud, the fields where terrible, but it was all fun.

Havent really done much else today, time has just flown by!

Picture is off Paul helping K across the mud!

Day 17

Went to Dad’s this morning again at 6am, Took K to school, then sat in Dad’s living room, cup of T  in hand in silence as dad was still in bed, was thinking of things, events that has happened past few months, I txt  Ellie as she was due to come round, and she arrived about  9:30, we got dad up and he said he needed to go to the bank this morning so Ellie said oh we’ll come to town with you, we was going to take him in the 99p shop,

I didn’t really want to go and was doing my panic attack head, thinking of the trip etc, what happens if i panic, what happens if i go funny, I did my best to push it to the back of my head and thought so what if i do? I’m sure it will pass, i’m not going anywhere scary or unknown!

So i went, Dad made us laugh cause he kept saying how much is that, when we was in the 99p shop, didn’t seem to sink in “that Dad it’s all 99p”

I walked Belle about 1pm, she wanted to go out, wouldn’t stop barking, and refused the garden, so I took the risk that she can’t be more stronger then the rottweiler that i had years back.

Also Mista Txt to say he has broken his finger!!!

Day 16

Went to the sunday market this morning, followed by a quick visit to Mum’s so she could see Belle.

Then we went to wisbech park. They have locked my favorite equipment up the zip wire, rotten sods.

Came home for a while to get warm then had a quick walk along the river nene.

 

Day 15

Mista went to see his kids today, I of course went to my dads, I was sat there thinking “What’s the harm in going home, I have walked it before,  I could try it with K and if I was really uncomfortable we can always walk back”!

I never though, but the thought is in process, the wheel is turning!

Mista came back early and has brought his Belle with him.

 

Day 9

I slept better last night, my back hurts alot from being on the sofa though.

I woke up about 9:30, and at 10 my eldest daughter rings to ask where i am, as she was on her way down.

She got dropped off at my dads and we both walked back to mine.

I’m hoping we did’nt make to much noise as Mista is sleeping.

Found a book in my cupboard, my mum tends to give me lot’s of books, and i put them aside and forget about them, so Found one yesterday

Labyrinth-Kate Moss Have started reading it.,seems ok so far.

Day 7

Have had an awful night at my dad’s, just could not sleep. I’m aware that i’m more relaxed about spending the night over, i used to be so tense about it, i was laying on sofa last night just thinking “what is the difference being here, or staying at home”
I think i concluded that, i don’t want a repeat of the horrible panic attack i had one night, i felt so alone, it was horrible.
I still feel miles away from dad, and it’s not easy to retreat round there at stupid o’clock in the morning, and also the fact that i’m not comfy taking K to school from my house,at dads it’s just round the corner and i have no issues what so ever taking her.
Anyway…i took K to school this morning, and then walked home on my own in the rain, i never panicked, i need to do this more often to get used to the road.

Picked K up from school, I biked up there  had to wait awhile before she came out, so i kept my head busy by doing

5 things i see

5 things i hear

5 things i feel

seem to work ok

we walked back,  no panic’s just heart beating fast.

Cooked a new recipe I  found  ,Ginger fish with sesame rice:

Was a little plain, i would maybe do the fish again but serve it with salad or something.