Day 31

Went to the Therapist this morning, I think cognitive behaviour therapy works a hell of a lot better than just going to the doctor who hands you a bunch of pill’s.

Went to Guyhirn, It felt so long up that road but I made it to the village, I didn’t want to go any further and was 30% anxious on the trip home.

Then we went back along the Lynn road, and this time turned at the round about and went to the plane  Museum, it was shut but they had a little pet shop there that we looked around.

Afterward’s Mista drove down a new lane toward’s Upwell, I was very apprehensive as we got further and further along the road, I just had no idea where I was and where it was going to come out, and I started to panic and wanted to turn back.

Was uncomfortable, but after coming back to Elm we went along the main road to Upwell, didn’t stop anywhere and came straight back, we sat down one of out old spot’s and waited for K to finish school, I quite enjoyed that, kind of felt like old time’s sake but with no sadness in my heart cause he’s returning home with me!

Mista left for work at 9pm, had an anxious night at my Dad’s, was trying not to hold on to the negative panic thought’s that where in the back of my mind. I must have slept better than most night’s there, only woke up 3 time’s.

 

Day 30

Eldest daughter still had K for most of day, so we went for a ride about.

Went along the Lynn road again, then went on the peterbourgh road I havent been along there in Years, I felt resonaly ok and we went into the Bonsai place, I felt ok to try something else, so we went back the same way but along the other side of the river “South Brink”, then onto my mum’s before K was due home.

 

Day 29

Well I’m sat here on my own 😦

Mista has gone out with his kid’s, at least I’m free to do what I like for the day, Me and My Dad took K to her sister’s in Emneth.

I walked home on my own shortly after.

Feeling a little insecure, In fact I’m crying now.

Cheered myself up, took a bath and waited for Mista to come home.

We then went into town to see if we could get something to eat, but ended up coming back to Elm to the pub, but they was taking ages in coming to take out order so we left, and opted for a KFC, which we ate in the car park in town, before going to the cinema to see the “The king’s speech” I was very anxious to start off with and wanted to leave but I’m glad to say stuck it out, and enjoyed the film.

 

Day 28

It’s a nice bright blue day, and I want adventure!

Gawd I would love to be able to go touch Castle Rising’s wall and Kiss my prince up against it 🙂 Run down the moat hand in hand with him……Blah Being a softie!!

Mista is seeing his kids tomorrow, so I made arrangement’s with E and asked if she would like K for the day, as it gives me a break, I’m free to do what i want to do and not feel trapped round my dad’s, she offered to have her for the night, which I figure will be nice as when Mista return’s we are both free to do something together. So I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

For now I am sat here waiting for Mista to text back but his phone is off, or out of range…..I had a little adventure planned for him later, If he want’s to take part!

Update:

Well Mista returned Home extra early, which turned out to be a good thing cause he caught me on a day that all i want is to break free from my prison…. not sure If the progress made him happy but I sure was.

Got to the 1st round about on the kings Lynn road with him, so next time I know I can go further.

I felt I had let Mista down, so started thinking “well fuck it then, I won’t bother” It’s hard for someone to Know how you are feeling inside and I was bloody scared, and held it together, anyway I let it pass and asked to go to Upwell, Or Outwell I still get confused with the 2. And although I was still nervous, I was ok, and managed to go In the church grounds this time, I can see that the more places I go the bigger my comfort zone becomes and this is what we are supposed to be working on, I think it’s coming along fine?? Yeh it’s hard because we havent had much chance to be with ourselves and get some Traveling done, but we did a lot today.

Went to Coldham, and also further up the road to a mates old house i spent a lot of time in, it made my heart smile, to see it after all these years, I knew over the bridge was March as me and my mate would often bike into March from her’s. I still remember the song we would sing on the way, and the time we was attacked by midges!

On way home we went to look for the bike track in friday bridge, and had a nice little walk down there, looks a good place for the summer.

Then into town and booked ourselves into the cinema for tomorrow.

Day 27

Wow Mista sent 1 text all day! Felt weird, I realised we talk a bloody lot.

I wanted to let the past few days go, But I also have question’s about our future and I’m sure I have the right to get answers to them?

For us to work the communication must succeed.

I feel bad that Mista is not happy, I’m concerned over Money, I just feel bad over certain things!

I would really like Mista to go back to jogging or do his weight’s, Yes I’m worried I’m trapped in a lion’s den with K, but I need to think He will only be an hour jogging, and IF I panic I’m sure he’s only a phone call away, I just need to occupy myself for an hour. If it get’s bad the worst that can happen is I feel funny and scared for a brief moment in my life and then it will pass!

Day 26

The same as any other day

isn’t this what everyone does if they think about it…Rise from bed, do the things that need to be done, life revolving around a clock, feed and water yourself and go back to bed!!

Anyway Wolfy has been returned, cause of Me and Neighbours!

Thing’s seem awkward around Mista 😦

That makes me sad, He used to do the rut of life in Thetford and had me to look forward to on a day off when he could come down and see me, and now rut of Life is with me, I guess he don’t have nothing to look forward to now??

Shame cause I still love looking at him and touching him, threw all the stresses and issues we have to endure I’m still madly in Love with him…should I wall my heart up?

No I want to work things out, I want to help him, I really want a job even if it means selling my dirty knickers to some seedy perv I want to be able to pay my way and help out!

My quote is: Close your eyes, breathe out and let it go!

 

Day 25

Same shit different day

Had some fresh air by walking Wolfy, we found a dead fox Ewwww, Never seen one in my life and the 1st time I do its dead!!!

Ellie came down Dad’s so I went down there afternoon to see Grand-daughter. E picked K up from school as she hasn’t seen much of her sister, K used to have a nice bond with her, and she’s not going to see to much of her when she moves!

Tension’s rising when Mista got home, I guess he is stressed out at work, Life’s Stresses etc

I wasn’t enjoying the ride out, felt terrified, Felt alone, Felt scared. We fought!!

I guess i blew my lid in the end, and told him to stop the car, at that point I just didn’t care what happened anymore, If he walks out my life, what can I do about it?? why worry??

Anyway I don’t want to talk about some daft stressed out fight, as i know Mista will read this and properly be angry with me! But this is a record of my life and I want to freely record things!

I have learnt some things since being with Mista things that maybe have slowly sunk in, and that if you can’t do anything about it now than don’t worry about it, i’ve learnt to let things go quicker, sometimes it takes me awhile to let go off my anger or my sorrows, but I’m getting there. We are both learning!  whether he knows it or not he does teach me little lessons, and I love him, In fact I worship him, and I don’t want no other man in my life.

Anyway brighter  things i’m hoping I may get a 3 way swap. This girl has a house in the street I Lived in as a child and it would mean so much to me to be able to get there, while it may seem a stupid little thing to someone whose Normal …to me it would mean a chance at normal life in a comfortable state to develop in.

I would have no need to run to my Dad’s at 6am 100% guarantee i would not budge from bed.

I would be able to stay home while Mista was on lates…Imagine how happy he would be and ME that I could sit home with K, make her Tea, get her bathed and put to bed, and have a few hours to myself to wait for Mista’s  arrival.

Night time shifts, i would say 95% chance of sticking it out, i would be fine knowing comfort zone whatever you want to call it is down the road, walking distance! this means so much to my brian.

We could have dogs, we could have our own allotment, Mista asked me last night what do I fantasize or dream about….thats it right there, being home, in a house that makes me happy and a place I see no fear.

I don’t know any other way of claiming my dream, Other than renting closer.

I’m going to give this another shot, this is my 2nd time of trying to claim this house!

Day 24

At dad’s again this morning, Had no sleep really he got up at 6:30 :/

He dropped me off at the church, I did the housework, walked Wolfy.

Picked K up from school, and waited for Mista at my dad’s.

Did nothing else exciting, Nothing else challenging.

Boring day

Day 23

Went to the sunday market!

Got a funky hat! (insert picture later)

Had a cup of Tea round Mum’s as it’s very cold outside. Needed warming up.

Took K to the pub and we had our dinner in there, that was nice.

Feeling abit low, got alot of things going round my head 😦

I just want to forget I have this Panic Monster and go out there and enjoy life!!! Why me??

Day 22

Hmm boring day!

Mista has taken Belle home, and to spend the day with his kids.

I spent the day at Dad’s. Ellie was down till about 1pm, so that wasn’t to bad, .

We have Wolfy with us now till next saturday.

Nothing else to say!

Wish I could escape this village!