Kings Lynn

I think I’ve just about conquered Kings Lynn 🙂

I reached it all the way there yesterday, not turning back to ground myself anywhere, Must have been there around 7-8 times at a guess.

We  had a very nice day yesterday, walked around the town and ate some food in the park, I also went to the big roundabout, I did panic slightly cause it was so big, but I knew where I was, I know what way the hospital is, and I think that’s going to be the next stage is heading over to the hospital, then I can go see Nan Bowles in her resting place and up the road from her is bawsley pits.

Other goals would be sandringham and the beach eventually….that would be nice.

Also would like to work on peterbourgh way, I want to visit the pigeon farm, and flag fen.

Steps

Things are definitely  improving, I reached Kings Lynn again and had to sit in the traffic as there had been an accident, It was quite a high panic attack my worst nightmare in a place I’ve been avoiding for so long. I was shook up but never went home I moved forward and got an hour in town. 🙂

I’ve had to endure night shifts without being at my dads (Safety Zone)

The 1st night I jumped straight in, which was a brave step to take as this is my number 1 fear.

I survived till 4:40am, I woke with an anxiety attack, suddenly  realised I was all alone, heart racing, I tried reasoning with myself that It’s nearly 5am I’ve nearly done it, but I bolted my mind was too weak to rationalize on my own.

Needless to say Mista was not happy cause my Ex is in my safety zone, I agree that its wrong, but not sure what else I could have done other than sit outside somewhere till Morning came? I did not think about who was there, I was so sleep deprived I just wanted some shut-eye and a calmness from the all night anxiety 😦

2nd night I got my eldest daughter to stay over and all was Ok, very calm and got a reasonable good night sleep.

3rd night, not so good, Middle daughter stayed over, she was very good, not unpleasant like she mostly is, she went to bed early, and I played xbox for awhile before retiring to bed.

Once again no sleep, time draggggsssss, I woke 2am in a right panic, my heart was nearly coming out of my chest, everything was strange and unreal, my mind was saying My daughter has properly gone and left me, and Ill give myself a pat on the back cause I stayed in bed and never checked her once which is good for me.

I tried to think of the kings lynn trips, and smiled at the time we had to go up and down the road as we was going to meet a man and take him to Tilney all saints, I thought of the times me and Mista have been through and eventually I must have dozed off again.

So even though someone was here, I never bolted like my mind was telling me to, I stuck it out.

I need to take these steps as a learning curve and hopefully I can put into action some of the other silly issues I am having like:

Leaving home at 6am 

Having to be picked up at 8pm 

I’m going to put these into action.

I have thought about last nights panic and thought if that’s the worst that can happen, than it’s not really to bad, Ok it is at the time, and I know if my youngest daughter is here I can’t run. But its at least been some exposure work into my number 1 fear and this is 1st attempt, I’ve done well 🙂

Kings Lynn

Yesterday I finally reached Kings Lynn.

I had no intention’s of going, which in itself must have helped me get there. As I did’t have time to think about it.

We had gone to my normal step of over the river and round the roundabout, but this time instead of going home we went West Lynn to take a look at a church we spotted over there. I did feel nervous, but it was manageable.

Heading back home since I was calm inside I set myself a challenge off going back to the south gate and heading to the library, as I know there is a carpark near there thats near town.

Well we got to the carpark, and I agreed to take a walk into town, as I got further down the street it started to hit me how surreal this was, I was actually in Lynn, and I started getting Anxiety symptoms and the man singing was just to weird, anyway got smacked by the panic monster and marched partner down street back towards car, bloody scary, head was saying well that’s that you can’t do this again… 😦

But the anxiety subsided, it left me shook up but I stayed calm and managed to complete a circle of the town and end up back at the singing man and I WAS OK.

Oh what a night..

Has been along time since I have stayed night in house with out other half.

OK I had my eldest stay over but it was still pretty weird.

The time flew by at least and I was going to stay downstairs but thought I may as well try bed get used to being up there alone, I had to check on daughter once in the night, I did’t sleep very well, and my heart and thoughts where also being very anxious.

Not sure I have the confidence to do it on my own and certaily not with youngest with me.

I miss having a dog!!!

Daughter was going to try get a bungalow near me, that would be good on my part, it would be the sense of knowing someone is close if I needed them.

I just don’t like this street, I hate not having no one near.

Car journey

I got to Skylarks the other day, was quite proud of myself.

Since doing my 1st wicca spell I certainly am feeling a strength inside me, guiding me and helping me along.

Even to the point of my other half doing my worst nightmare and walking out door at 9pm.

I somehow kept my cool, and started preparing myself for walk down to my dads.

Winter always brings with it depression, and I hope that my other half will stay holding my hand, cause my world is getting bigger, and I feel ready to move onto further steps.

I do feel down, ugly and old. Not good enough anymore 😦 am crying now…

I just want my other half to come back to me.

 

Dare I do it?

My eldest might have K tonight, and since the other half is on night shifts, am considering the possibility of staying home for night.

Reasons why I am worried:

If I wake at 3am (which I am likely too) I will realise I’m alone, and think Shit, and panic will come. I have the option going on in my head to, either get out of a warm bed, dressed, grab a bike and peddle like mad to dads, hoping police or no one see me, pray that dads gate is not frozen and I can get safely indoors.

Try and ring other half, so he can reassure me I’m not going mad, and hopefully the anxiety will die down, but can’t guarantee he can be on other end of phone for me.

 

So I have taken the step to ask my mate for her home number, explaining what I’m doing and that I might need to ring or at least have her number knowing she’s about for safety reasons in my head.

She has given me her number, and also said she may pop round to keep me company, and there’s even a sofa at hers if I need it.

Easier to say yes I can do this, while its 9:30am….we will see what happens tonight

 

De-relization

De-relization hit me today 😦 Havent had that since I would say in church on new years day. (As far as I remember anyway)

I hadn’t eaten all day, only 2 cups of tea.

So lazing around on sofa not being mobile, then I went upstairs to see the other half and well…..

going straight to the school, I did feel funny inside, I really don’t like this time of year it’s so dark and grey, at like 3pm.

Anyway I got in the school and it just hit me, I wanted to run, I moved away to the wall, and text my partner, who then rang me.

The feeling didnt last to long, its like all of a sudden you don’t exist, you’re a ghost,no one can see you, and inside something is trying to tell my body run, run away. And with the feeling I get a kind of fuzzy feeling around my heart.

So just recording that I had de-relization, I kept very calm, and did not run away, and successfully picked daughter up from school.

 

Grrr go away

Did’t do hardly anything on Mista’s days off.

I did get closer to Skylarks, and while I was nervous the other day going Downham Market, I was good and did’t run back. Just agreed to go factory shop.

And I also went over the bridge to Kings Lynn again, and I was anxious and panicky but stuck it out.

Not going to be much chance this month and next to get out I’m guessing. So will have to make some kind of effort on the home front.

The sun is out

Finally the sun is out and we have blue sky’s. Shame Mista is at work I could have done with a ride out.

Have been feeling alittle dizzy and sore throat, so was abit anxious about coming home, but I had a lemsip and feel alittle better.

Now about to do my challenge for the day, and take my camera out to get a photo of the orchard thats recently just been pulled down near me.

 

Idea’s

I think the best option for me, is to take destination’s in steps. It certainly worked in getting me to the butterfly park in long sutton which is in fact closing soon.

It’s motivating that inner coach in yourself though, would be handy to have  a personal panic assistant with clipboard in hand, stopwatch and took the time to set you a plan out and made sure you sticked to it.

Also have been thinking of trying a challenge a day.

challenge for today was: Wanting to go back home with K but got nervous and put my panic head on, but I did’t let it get to me and I walked home with her, stomach had butterflys in it, and I just thought if i panic we are not far from dads, we will be ok, and I stuck it out, got the bikes out and we had alittle ride to hide a geocache.