Oh what a night..

Has been along time since I have stayed night in house with out other half.

OK I had my eldest stay over but it was still pretty weird.

The time flew by at least and I was going to stay downstairs but thought I may as well try bed get used to being up there alone, I had to check on daughter once in the night, I did’t sleep very well, and my heart and thoughts where also being very anxious.

Not sure I have the confidence to do it on my own and certaily not with youngest with me.

I miss having a dog!!!

Daughter was going to try get a bungalow near me, that would be good on my part, it would be the sense of knowing someone is close if I needed them.

I just don’t like this street, I hate not having no one near.

Car journey

I got to Skylarks the other day, was quite proud of myself.

Since doing my 1st wicca spell I certainly am feeling a strength inside me, guiding me and helping me along.

Even to the point of my other half doing my worst nightmare and walking out door at 9pm.

I somehow kept my cool, and started preparing myself for walk down to my dads.

Winter always brings with it depression, and I hope that my other half will stay holding my hand, cause my world is getting bigger, and I feel ready to move onto further steps.

I do feel down, ugly and old. Not good enough anymore 😦 am crying now…

I just want my other half to come back to me.

 

Dare I do it?

My eldest might have K tonight, and since the other half is on night shifts, am considering the possibility of staying home for night.

Reasons why I am worried:

If I wake at 3am (which I am likely too) I will realise I’m alone, and think Shit, and panic will come. I have the option going on in my head to, either get out of a warm bed, dressed, grab a bike and peddle like mad to dads, hoping police or no one see me, pray that dads gate is not frozen and I can get safely indoors.

Try and ring other half, so he can reassure me I’m not going mad, and hopefully the anxiety will die down, but can’t guarantee he can be on other end of phone for me.

 

So I have taken the step to ask my mate for her home number, explaining what I’m doing and that I might need to ring or at least have her number knowing she’s about for safety reasons in my head.

She has given me her number, and also said she may pop round to keep me company, and there’s even a sofa at hers if I need it.

Easier to say yes I can do this, while its 9:30am….we will see what happens tonight

 

De-relization

De-relization hit me today 😦 Havent had that since I would say in church on new years day. (As far as I remember anyway)

I hadn’t eaten all day, only 2 cups of tea.

So lazing around on sofa not being mobile, then I went upstairs to see the other half and well…..

going straight to the school, I did feel funny inside, I really don’t like this time of year it’s so dark and grey, at like 3pm.

Anyway I got in the school and it just hit me, I wanted to run, I moved away to the wall, and text my partner, who then rang me.

The feeling didnt last to long, its like all of a sudden you don’t exist, you’re a ghost,no one can see you, and inside something is trying to tell my body run, run away. And with the feeling I get a kind of fuzzy feeling around my heart.

So just recording that I had de-relization, I kept very calm, and did not run away, and successfully picked daughter up from school.