Day 177

Was brave and came home with K to pack a small picnic, we then took our bikes down the mudtrack and sat there for awhile.

Also decided to bike home when Mista left work, and spend 30 mins at home alone with K.

My stomach did feel anxious, but I kept busy making Tea.

Little steps like this Is what I need really, to get the hang of it.

Day 174

Had a really good day.

Decided to walk into town and test my Panic, which was tested to the max in my opinion  as thunder was rolling in the distance, and I hate thunder. It wasn’t to bad, Mista kept me calm telling me that it was passing and it wasn’t really big and booming over the top of us.

I was apprehensive in town, cause I felt trapped up there and had to reason with myself that it’s no different that having drove up here, and If I couldnt get bus home , there was always a taxi.

After awhile the anxiety went down, and I did nearly chicken out wanting to get on the bus, I just wanted to make sure of his route so asked the driver where does he go, I felt better after he told me, and got on the bus.

I didnt like the feeling, its been 20 years since I have ridden a bus, and all in all the experience was strange, but I didnt have an attack, and I’m very glad that I did it, and hope to do some more bus journeys in future to become used to them.

We also had  a nice meal out, with K as well, to the place  that once i ran away from…..

Day 172

Was getting ready to start 3 nights at my dads, but when Mista got to work there had been a mess up of the rota, so he ended up coming home 3 hours later, and the next 2 days was afternoon shifts.

I’ve also found my new hobby, Wildlife surveying. So I’ve started a blog up to record for my own personal use and also I will be sending information of to other organizations Have signed up for the wildflower count, which I’m 100% sure no one is doing round Elm, and it’s only just started, this is the plantlifes 2 nd year.

Day 169

Well Mista’s holiday is over, shame I never got to King’s Lynn but I’m sure there will be another day.

Will be sitting at my dad’s today which is going to seem weird havent been round there for ages, I guess it will get me in the swing off it again as Mista has something like 14 nights at work. I won’t know what a bed feel’s like for ages!!!! At least my eldest is there for now, and I’m not totally alone, the only problem is K don’t have a bed now.

Day 167

I managed to get to Tilney St Lawrence yesterday and no panics arose.

Also went swimming for the 1st time in 20 years.

The trip to King’s Lynn has fallen through 😦

And havent really done anything outstanding!!! but then maybe I have as swimming was a pretty big deal, and going back to Tilney was too.

Took a walk today around Leverington, and that’s something I wouldn’t have done either.

Day 161

I’m laying in bed, for the 1st time in I don’t no how long- and Mista has left for his early shift.

I dropped K off at my dad’s yesterday as her dad is down for the weekend, so I did the plan of what I said a few day’s ago, and stayed at home.

Feeling nervous on a scale of about 2, so i’m not to bad 🙂

Was telling myself, what is the point of getting out of my warm cosy bed, I’ve got the chance to lay in as no K with me, and go to my dad’s to sleep on an uncomfy sofa, with a thin blanket smelling of dog, just for 2 hour’s when I wake and walk home again.

Plus the house is full down my dads, and I don’t want to see the ex.

Anyway I have survived, best get of Mista’s net-book now and maybe shut my eyes for alittle while.

Day 159

Had a bad panic attack, around about an 8 on scale of 1/10

Was going to Tilney St Lawrence, with K in the back, though she was a good girl and didn’t freak out at me freaking out.

I was already feeling anxious going along the Kings Lynn road but kept pushing threw the barrier of anxiety creeping up in my head, but it got to much and I ended up panicking right near my destination. 😦

I was feeling really scared, slight de-realisation, I was very grateful for Mista remaining calm and giving me words of encouragement.

A small part of my head knew where I was, but the anxiety took hold and was making me disorientated and lost.   My anxious head had kicked in on the way home, of well that’s it I’m not coming this way again, and I don’t want to be like that.

I need to look at the positive, and realise if that’s all panic can throw at me, then why not just suffer a few minutes of anxiety??

Day 157

Worry Plan

I got a book out from the library “How to stop worrying” so going to try one of the strategies out. For my main step at the moment and that’s stay at home at 6am while Mista goes to work.

What am I worried about?

That when Mista leaves, I’ll feel stranded, alone, panic and have to get daughter out of bed and walk her to my dad’s at 6am. Also the fact that I have to take her school and I’ve got to do it from my house which is a bit longer.

What do I want to happen?

I want to be able to stay in bed another hour, letting daughter get her rest too, and to be able to take her school from mine.

What can I do to make it happen?

I could stay in bed, I could learn to drive, I can convince myself there’s nothing to fear I have done this before, I’m not alone there would be someone to call. I could stay here when I don’t have K with me.

What is actually likely to happen?

I can tell myself just stay in bed, but my negative thought’s tend to scare me off and I run anyway.

I could learn to drive, so at least I don’t feel so trapped, but Can’t afford it, lessons, car etc etc

Again similar to 1st one, I can try tell myself nothing is going to happen just do it, but that panic tends to win me over every time. If I knew I had someone to call if I need them for those 1st few hours, it may be possible.

If I tried it out when K is not with me, I can at least see how it feels.(But she’s not often not with me)

What is my decision?

I’m going to choose last one, I have an opportunity on Friday morning to stay in bed. This gives me the chance to see that it’s ok, if I panic that that’s even better (can’t believe I’m saying that lol) but at least if the panic happens that’s the worse thing that can happen to me. And it may teach my stupid head I’m alright.

Did it work?

I’ll let you know when Friday gets here 🙂



Day 156

I started out thinking the day was going to be one of unease, trying to get new places and not succeeding and therefore everyone getting moody. I also have K with me so didn’t want to be to bold incase I scared her.

Anyway we went to Friday Bridge yard sale, nothing there, so headed to sunday market for a while. Then I said I’d like to go to the Guyhirn roundabout, got up there ok, went inside the play2day place but K didn’t want to go inside the play thing on her own, and I didn’t really want to waste money if she’s not going in there. So she kicked up a fuss which me already being a little uneasy was starting to feel anxiety rise, but I manged to calm her down and we went to March town, and for the 1st time got to walk daughter round there. Thats got to be a success!

I also asked to go up the King’s Lynn road, it’s not to bad, I can reach the 2 bridge’s, may have to look on Google what’s beyound the 2nd bridge.