I would like

I’m not sure when the day will come and I’ll realise that I’m actually out there in the world again, some day’s it feels ok, that I could just keep travelling in the car, I want to know what’s round the next corner, someday’s I still hate the world, it’s a scary place in my head, after spending years in one place. I often wonder how prisoner’s get on being inside for many years the world has got to feel strange and huge to them!!!

 

I’m aware that I can get to King’s Lynn with some anxiety but not nessaray going to panic, I think what worry’s me is, I get there, and say right we go to one shop or we walk up that one street and I want to go home, I do worry that Mista will be disappointed, it’s wasted his time and while I’m sure I would like nothing better than to stay longer (and maybe I would) I still have that flight response in me, it’s the not daring to push the limit, don’t want to get de-relization.

I need baby steps to move forward.

 

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Break on threw to the other side- The Door’s

Lately it feels  like I have broken through  barriers, and therefore makes sense that in time, if I continue to visit the new places, the circle or my boundaries can only grow bigger!!

I’m certainly having to look for new places to visit because I’ve done all the ones I set out to do.

One day we went to try Long Sutton though, and as with this fear, it can be 1 step forward, 2 back, and I spoke out saying I was nervous My fear rating jumped ahead as we was both anxious with angry thoughts… and the day didn’t end to well 😦

This set me back in a way, and when the day came to have my final CBT meeting which was in March, I was very anxious, I couldn’t find the place, my head was not thinking clearly, and unfortunately I just wanted to run back home, Thankfully Mista restrained himself God bless him, stayed calm, held me and whispered in my ear to just try, just do it for him.

That was all I needed, a gentle, loving approach, my panic monster being swept away for a moment and my Pet Submissive nature crept inside my head for a brief moment, and I did as I was told.

I didn’t want to stay in the place, but I did soon settle down and really it was a great way to end the sessions being in March, a place I never would have thought I would have reached when starting this blog.

I have come along way, I hope I can continue to grow, and that Mista will be there to gently push me in the right direction.

Bye Bye Panic

I’m actually doing very well.
I made a 2nd trip to kings Lynn with my Mum and Mista, no panics this time, just anxious which is to be expected.
We spent 4 hours up there, going to 2 museum’s, and when we dropped mum off I felt brave enough to try Long Sutton, and I got very close to the butterfly park, I actually made it to Long Sutton, so thought well might as well try Downham market, and I got there as well 🙂 was nervous though, but the steps of regular driving to these places has helped a great deal.

Over the next 2 following days I also went back up to the 1st roundabout on the way to Kings Lynn to try to get used to the road, and we pulled up in the driveway of the Butterfly park, so I’m hoping at some point I can be brave enough to visit.

Have kicked N out of the house, and while we are going through a bit of a struggle I’m hoping we can come out a stronger couple, and it be abit more peaceful at home.
I am slowly getting stronger, and on the way to a full recovery.