Day 25

Same shit different day

Had some fresh air by walking Wolfy, we found a dead fox Ewwww, Never seen one in my life and the 1st time I do its dead!!!

Ellie came down Dad’s so I went down there afternoon to see Grand-daughter. E picked K up from school as she hasn’t seen much of her sister, K used to have a nice bond with her, and she’s not going to see to much of her when she moves!

Tension’s rising when Mista got home, I guess he is stressed out at work, Life’s Stresses etc

I wasn’t enjoying the ride out, felt terrified, Felt alone, Felt scared. We fought!!

I guess i blew my lid in the end, and told him to stop the car, at that point I just didn’t care what happened anymore, If he walks out my life, what can I do about it?? why worry??

Anyway I don’t want to talk about some daft stressed out fight, as i know Mista will read this and properly be angry with me! But this is a record of my life and I want to freely record things!

I have learnt some things since being with Mista things that maybe have slowly sunk in, and that if you can’t do anything about it now than don’t worry about it, i’ve learnt to let things go quicker, sometimes it takes me awhile to let go off my anger or my sorrows, but I’m getting there. We are both learning!  whether he knows it or not he does teach me little lessons, and I love him, In fact I worship him, and I don’t want no other man in my life.

Anyway brighter  things i’m hoping I may get a 3 way swap. This girl has a house in the street I Lived in as a child and it would mean so much to me to be able to get there, while it may seem a stupid little thing to someone whose Normal …to me it would mean a chance at normal life in a comfortable state to develop in.

I would have no need to run to my Dad’s at 6am 100% guarantee i would not budge from bed.

I would be able to stay home while Mista was on lates…Imagine how happy he would be and ME that I could sit home with K, make her Tea, get her bathed and put to bed, and have a few hours to myself to wait for Mista’s  arrival.

Night time shifts, i would say 95% chance of sticking it out, i would be fine knowing comfort zone whatever you want to call it is down the road, walking distance! this means so much to my brian.

We could have dogs, we could have our own allotment, Mista asked me last night what do I fantasize or dream about….thats it right there, being home, in a house that makes me happy and a place I see no fear.

I don’t know any other way of claiming my dream, Other than renting closer.

I’m going to give this another shot, this is my 2nd time of trying to claim this house!