Have come up with a new plan, and so far it seems to be working ok.
Instead of just going up the road say heading to Long Sutton, and seeing how far I get, I have to set out an exposure plan and do it in steps.
It’s no good just driving up the road because anxiety is going to set in, then I want to turn back, and I then feel a failure and not accomplished anything 😦

So I made a plan, a route if you like on the whole journey from Wisbech to the butterfly park and wrote down at each stage what my fear factor would be. The idea is to go to a stage that provides small anxiety and to sit it out for a certain set time.
My 1st try was great, I got to my destination, with not a high fear factor as i first thought, we took a walk, got back to car and I was able to go further up the road to see where I would be going the next time.
unfortunately as with the panic beast the next day the timings where all wrong, I was’t 100% me and I failed and came home, though saying that I did reach the destination, just came straight home though.
Next day we went again, and it was a success, again took a walk, and back to car to go further up the road, and was very pleased with myself as crossed the river, saw something new with my eyes, and Things are not really that far and scary.

Since Mista is on a lot of work shifts, I’ve been working on things in the home front, I’ve mostly been left on my own a lot in the day with just me and K as my dad is out at work, Mista is on 12 hour shifts so he isn’t home till 8pm.
Twice now I have in the day gone back with K for a few hours, got our bikes, and when it was 7 bike back home and wait for Mista.

Things seem to be getting easier for me, I’m on the right track finally.

Day 200

Well after 200 day’s, I think that since starting this blog I have come along way.

I know in my own mind that I’ve accomplished things I never dreamed I would, and I’m hoping to make at least a 95% recovery.

But I can only do that with Mista’s support, his patience and trust. I need a rock by my side to support me, to stop my negative thinking.

I think it’s putting too much pressure on him, and I’m going to end up losing him, and I don’t know the way forward if I  lose him.

I wouldn’t have accomplished what I have if it hadn’t have been for Mista. I just need baby steps, Task’s to set myself, and the panic will fade, it already is leaving me, it’s putting a damn hard fight up but it’s going, I havent had an attack I can’t even remember the last time!!!

It’s just the feelings inside me I get that normally I would recognize as panic is coming, and I was in that cycle, I HAVE LEARNT to stop the cycle, that’s got to be a good thing?????

Day 196

Well it’s last day Mista has work. I managed to stay home once, Not good!

I don’t feel to on top of the world really, 12hour days are long for Mista, but it’s also pretty lonely for me, I’ve never spent so much time on my own. Maybe I should get out of the house more, but I just don’t know what to do or where to go?

Day 193

I Stayed home in the morning , it helped knowing my teenage daughter was home,  I was very nervous, my heart was beating so fast thought it was going to come out of my chest, but Mista went off to work and I tried to not listen to the negative things going on in my head like “No one is about your on your own” “If  I go to dad’s he might not be there” I fell asleep waking up a few times, then when it was time to get K ready for school I did feel a little nervous again knowing that I had a panic attack walking her to school from this end, worries me I will have one again, But I did very well, didn’t even take the bikes, decided to walk and be extra brave.

Also got to go watch her play on my own 😦 oh well it will be another challenge

Day 191

I think this was the best day I have had in a long time, without the feeling of panic tapping on my shoulder all the time.

We went to the steam rally, with my Mum, my 1st time at one, It was alright, lot’s of stalls, I liked the Alpaca’s, and the old cars.
The point really for me was the fact that I was able to walk around a different village and be ok with all the noise and people etc.
We then all went for Dinner at the pub, which was great havent had a roast dinner in ages.

Then me and Mista walked to the Hotel to watch a band, I really enjoyed that, and even got up for a dance or two.

More days like this please!

Day 190

Was Mista’s birthday today, we went into town to try get some ingredients for the 3 course meal I was making for him, but could’nt find any quails eggs.
As we was going to a steam rally tommrow I asked if we could head that way so I knew where I was going, we went a new way, and I did start getting very anxious the furthur we was going, I got totally lost in my head and that scared me, But I know inside I handled it pretty well, to the point where I stop fighting the fear and told Mista basically I’m leaving it in his hands to get me home. All turned out well when we got somewhere I knew, I headed back to the area we was going tommrow and all was ok.

Took K to her sister’s in afternoon as she was having her for the night, and then we went to March, saw the Major in alittle fete in the church grounds, and also found some quail’s eggs on the market.

Was an ok evening, my meal turned out ok, Mista was very tired from all the work he had done, and was quiet, I did feel like maybe I had’nt give him the best birthday. But I’m sure he was just whacked out.

Day 187

Got another 2 nights to go at my dads.

I was not myself yesterday when Mista dropped me off, felt anxious. my heart was right on the edge of a panic attack, just not feeling with it, I guess maybe some de-relization feelings 😦

It was dark, raining, Mista hadn’t txt me, His phone was not receiving my texts, I felt alone even though my dad was there, I thought lots of negative things.

Took a walk to the shop, and had something to eat and after about an hour I seem to come back to earth

Day 185

Have been lazy keeping up to date with this.Sometimes I wish Mista would do a blog just so I could see what goes on in his head!!

Life from when I started this blog has changed, I’ve changed.

I may not have accomplished the stay at home at night deal when Mista has nights, but I’m less anxious that what I would have been staying at my dads, I’m ready to be brave and stay at home in mornings, when he has the day shifts, I’ve got to try it, I feel ready for it.

The walk to my dads from mine is no big deal anymore, I used to want a house closer, but I’m doing ok there now, it helps K has a bike, but I’m also very good at walking with her on my own to, there are no panic feelings no more.

What else has changed??

I feel Mista has settled in more, these past 6 months, I still sometimes feel like he may leave me, I mean I hope not I would be heart-broken, and I want to do so many things with him, make memory’s with him at the seaside etc, I know I can get there, I just need time.

Sometimes he feels like we are doing the same ground, And I know we are but In doing so it’s helping my head and making me feel less anxious, They say the more you repeat something new the less strange it feels, so if we have to go to March 50 times, then that what we need to do, cause by the 50th trip I would be I know the road like the back of my hand, I’m bored now let’s go further.

I have come along way if I look back, not only making my border bigger, but in myself as well.

And I’m truly thankful Mista has been there to hold my hand and show me the world like he promised he would.

well some of the world 🙂