Day 119

Well I survived my Mista going away for 3 nights, but no sooner is he back he’s off to work 😦

Watched some of Will and Kate’s wedding, and the  movie after, was a good film really.

Feel a bit to settled into my surroundings at the minute, not getting no chances of exploring sometimes sets me back.

Like last night when we did a bit of shopping at like 9pm, I’ve been used to being at my dad’s at that time and him heading up to bed soon.

I felt out-of-place or routine!

Day 115

Mista has left for his training course, so another 3 nights at my Dad’s. It feel’s like I’m single, childless, and all alone.

Just my hormones I guess, and the fact I havent had any night-time with Mista.

Anyway I went for a walk with my Mate and her Kid’s, we had a good time, a few giggles.

She want’s to do something tomorrow as well, so I said we can, as long as it’s morning sometime, as my K is coming home, looking forward to seeing her at least I won’t be alone in the nights now.

Later that night my Mates daughter’s wanted me to escort them round the village for spooky places, we went in the churchyard and her youngest daughter kept saying she won’t be able to sleep, I kept trying to reassure her there’s nothing to be scared off.

We made our way to a barn, but by the time we had got there it was to dark and even I was crept out, so we headed home.

In the night I woke at that horrible hour 3am, and a Panic Attack was coming, normally I would fight it inside, like you try to push it away but it fuels the fire and then becomes a full-blown attack, my mind was fighting with my option’s of right I can ring Mista, Dad’s in bed maybe I could wake him up, maybe I could do housework ….  I kind of let the feeling stay inside and not fight it, and instead concentrated in my mind, by counting, that wasn’t helping my mind was slipping back to the feeling so I remembered Mista before he left and we was on the bed asking questions to each other, Then I smiled cause I remembered how I had made him laugh…. anyway I must have calmed down as I fell back to sleep……If I can handle these I will be confident enough to do it at home, cause this is the panic attack at 3am that scared me at home months back.

Day 114

Today when Mista woke we nipped into town, like we mostly do, and proceeded to Terrington st john again.

I had looked earlier at the map, And saw best way was to keep on the A47 but Mista started heading to Walton highway to a church we have seen from the car, awhile back, I got lost in my head which started off the panic, we remained calm and headed over to the church, very pleased with myself really, and relaxed to a certain degree.

Coming back we also went to Marshland st james to find the church that is supposed to be there?

But couldnt find it.

All in All a good few hours together before Mista once again went to work.

Had a cry because I’m worried about this training, I will see him for like a few minutes before he goes away 😦

How will I cope?? I’ll Just have too.

Day 113

When Mista woke up we headed into town, and then we tried going to “Terrington st John” I was nervous and started freaking out cause got confused when Mista said we could keep on going along the road and end up back on the A47, I should learn to just relax, but anyway I made it there, and I’m willing to go again and try find the church out there.

Just found maps on google and learning how to map things out, so done a panic attack map on the places I have been to so far, I drew a circle to indicate my prison before Mista was a part of my life, and wow look at what I have achieved.

Day 111

We went to see my Mum today, came home and decided to bike into town along the back road’s.

Was a nice day out, we also got a chinese and ate in the car looking out on to Emneth church, before Mista had to leave for his night shift.

Day 110

We headed to March today, and I enjoyed being in the rape field.

I got into the Town by car, but did not feel comfortable and confident to walk round the town, I just dislike March, I don’t know what it is!!!

Anyway upon returning home after a slight Tiff and me and Mista’s part we tried again, and headed to Guyhirn, to explore the Church, I’m glad I had put jeans back on as the grounds was covered in nettles.

We also went to Newton, very interesting place and cool Church.

Day 107

Early morning, off to Dad’s same old routine 😦

Was sat there thinking “How I’m going to cope and deal” with Mista going away!!

I’ve got 4 night’s at my dad’s then Mista is going to go away the next day, and got 2 whole days and nights when I won’t see him at all, I’m devastated to be honest, It’s such a horrible feeling, I know I’ve got to keep positive and think it’s only 2 days really it’s just K will be home and I very much doubt I will even go home.

I don’t want to think about it.

Not sure what to do today!! Just helped Dad and his mate get a summer-house in the garden for K, I had to clear some of the pathway in Garden as it’s a right state out there, maybe I should go do the front garden!!!

Day 106

 1,  2,  Miss a few, 99, 100

Been naughty and not been writing in here, seem to do that when I’ve either

A) Gone down a hormonal well.

B) Had a fight with Mista 😦

Anyway back at the moment. Havent really been anywhere to report anything new Ummmmmmm

Yes I have taken: went on the “Apple and Ale” bicycle route (But by car) was nice to have a map in front of me to know where I was (Kinda off) and got to 2 new tiny villages, so I guess that is good!!!!

K is with her Dad for 2 weeks in York, sat here at the min, feeling sick from paint fumes, and Mista at work.

Got Mista’s Mum coming down to see me soon.