Moving forward

Been having a few off days 😦 I’m sure it’s the change in the weather, the dark grey clouds looming above seem to crush me in and all I want to do is retreat into the warm house and snuggle on sofa.

Had a panic attack the other day going to west Walton, my head felt funny as soon as I woke up, and I knew where I was but then i didn’t, it was a really strange feeling.

Anyway I managed to nearly reach SkyLarks, near March this is my next destination on the Menu.

I seem to be more prepared to go down strange and new roads than I used too in the past, which is good.


Where to start…

Since Mista has been having alot of time of work i’ve been able to get around and explore more.

We recently brought a power kite as always liked the seeing the kites at the beach where you can be pulled by them, this is only a small one but it’s great fun.

And then recently we both got new smart phones, and added the Geocache app where you can go in search of caches people have left behind. this is very enjoyable and I belive has already helped me as the other day I was brave enough to attempt my step towards Kings Lynn, and once I had done the step I realised it wasn’t that bad and asked to have another go round. This time I was happy inside to see the gates that you enter to get in town and I think if it was not for the case of time was getting on and I needed to pick K up I would have attempted to get into town.

Geocaching has also led me to places you just wouldn’t wander, so all in all great fun and its proving a bonus for me 🙂

If I can remember of the top of my head new places I’ve got to are:

Fleet Hargate trying to head to Holbeach



Runcton trying to head towards Shouldham






Well done me

I’ve managed to go to all destinations that I had planned out a year ago, so now need to make new ones and also get more braver.

Since I went to Denver the other day, we thought it would be a good idea to go Stow Bardolph and try the farm, I was apprehensive so said let’s take it easy, do step by step.

Which is what we did, when I reached the farm I was unsure about going in, to me there did’t look alot in there and it was to much money, I was starting to build my anxiety up, but I stuck it out and went ahead with going for at least a quick walk inside.

I was ok, not much there but I liked all the piglet’s and the horse.

A great day

Yesterday I had an off day where I was really scared of going anywhere 😦 the panic monster really didn’t want me doing anything, but I came through and got to March and Downham Market.

Today we planned on going to Denver windmill that’s just near Downham market, and with the sun shining, I manged to get there.

I climbed up the ladder’s to nearly the last floor of the windmill. The other half lost his keys though when we got back to the car, I thought omg! how am I going to get home!! I managed to not panic remarkably and thought he was laid down on grass taking a photo and sure enough that’s where his keys where, if they hadn’t have been there then I would have fallen apart lol.

Next we headed into Downham town had a milkshake, and I agreed to go see a church in Bexwell.

That wasn’t as far as I thought it might have been, and was a great little church.

Afterwards we headed to Stow Bardolph as there is a farm here I would like to visit, even though it’s properly a tourist trap.

I panicked as we ended up on a busy main road, then I recognized a pub there, which is mad since I was like 15-16 yrs old when I went to this pub.

I stayed calm anyway, and before heading home tried the Kings Lynn roundabout again, and I think the next stage is to go a bit further across the river.

Happy birthday to me

So last year for my birthday treat, Mista took me to the farm in Friday Bridge, which is just up the road from me, and I remember being very bloody nervous. Seems so silly now.

Yesterday we took K to the butterfly park in Long Sutton, the park itself was not as good as I thought it might be, but I still enjoyed it, the animals and the fact that I had made it 🙂

Also as an added treat we found out my brother was 10 minutes up the road, so we met him for a cup of Tea.

I made it

I got to Downham Market the other day with very little hassle from the Panic Monster.

Had a good day, and was very comfy walking around the town, will definitely go again and also maybe take K with us.

A place that was waiting in the horizon for a very long time, was not even scary once there


Thought I would make a note on the improvement’s I have noticed in myself since starting this blog.

I’m more comfy being on my own, I hated having to sit on my own and in the past would not have done it, I would have gone and sat round someones. But now I can stay at home, wait for Mista to return in the evenings, or stay at my dad’s on my own.

Ok with K could be a different story, I’m alright round my dad’s way with her, and I had been working on being at home with just K, which was going well,but I normally start to feel Un-comfy after about an hour. This I will have to work on.

The other day taking one of my daughter’s to the dentist, I was very relaxed in the waiting room, normally I would be anxious, I’m having to wait for god know’s how long, trapped in a room, everyone’s quiet, I’m fidgety, but no none of that, I was even reading a book, couldn’t believe how calm I was inside.

Even going to Wisbech used to feel scary with Mista, I’m sure he will never forget the 1st time I marched him through town lol

Tescos….Thats another one, didn’t like the place, very big and bright, but now I don’t think about it, I go inside as normal as Larry.

I would say I have improved with car travelling, I’m more comfy with my surrounding area now, and can certainly travel a lot further that I used to be able too. Some day’s I get scared, cause some days that panic still talks to me, I find I can mostly go back to the place and go further if I have had an episode that has scared me and I have asked to go home.

Was very pleased I got to the butterfly park,or at least saw the place,  looking forward to visiting there,  also  got to walk round the town of Long Sutton the other day.

And the cinema, went there the other day, and some nerves where present, but I was not as anxious as the 1st two times I went.

Thanks for Mista for holding my hand, and putting up with the tantrum’s, here’s to many more adventures…..


I would like

I’m not sure when the day will come and I’ll realise that I’m actually out there in the world again, some day’s it feels ok, that I could just keep travelling in the car, I want to know what’s round the next corner, someday’s I still hate the world, it’s a scary place in my head, after spending years in one place. I often wonder how prisoner’s get on being inside for many years the world has got to feel strange and huge to them!!!


I’m aware that I can get to King’s Lynn with some anxiety but not nessaray going to panic, I think what worry’s me is, I get there, and say right we go to one shop or we walk up that one street and I want to go home, I do worry that Mista will be disappointed, it’s wasted his time and while I’m sure I would like nothing better than to stay longer (and maybe I would) I still have that flight response in me, it’s the not daring to push the limit, don’t want to get de-relization.

I need baby steps to move forward.


Break on threw to the other side- The Door’s

Lately it feels  like I have broken through  barriers, and therefore makes sense that in time, if I continue to visit the new places, the circle or my boundaries can only grow bigger!!

I’m certainly having to look for new places to visit because I’ve done all the ones I set out to do.

One day we went to try Long Sutton though, and as with this fear, it can be 1 step forward, 2 back, and I spoke out saying I was nervous My fear rating jumped ahead as we was both anxious with angry thoughts… and the day didn’t end to well 😦

This set me back in a way, and when the day came to have my final CBT meeting which was in March, I was very anxious, I couldn’t find the place, my head was not thinking clearly, and unfortunately I just wanted to run back home, Thankfully Mista restrained himself God bless him, stayed calm, held me and whispered in my ear to just try, just do it for him.

That was all I needed, a gentle, loving approach, my panic monster being swept away for a moment and my Pet Submissive nature crept inside my head for a brief moment, and I did as I was told.

I didn’t want to stay in the place, but I did soon settle down and really it was a great way to end the sessions being in March, a place I never would have thought I would have reached when starting this blog.

I have come along way, I hope I can continue to grow, and that Mista will be there to gently push me in the right direction.

Bye Bye Panic

I’m actually doing very well.
I made a 2nd trip to kings Lynn with my Mum and Mista, no panics this time, just anxious which is to be expected.
We spent 4 hours up there, going to 2 museum’s, and when we dropped mum off I felt brave enough to try Long Sutton, and I got very close to the butterfly park, I actually made it to Long Sutton, so thought well might as well try Downham market, and I got there as well 🙂 was nervous though, but the steps of regular driving to these places has helped a great deal.

Over the next 2 following days I also went back up to the 1st roundabout on the way to Kings Lynn to try to get used to the road, and we pulled up in the driveway of the Butterfly park, so I’m hoping at some point I can be brave enough to visit.

Have kicked N out of the house, and while we are going through a bit of a struggle I’m hoping we can come out a stronger couple, and it be abit more peaceful at home.
I am slowly getting stronger, and on the way to a full recovery.