Car journey

I got to Skylarks the other day, was quite proud of myself.

Since doing my 1st wicca spell I certainly am feeling a strength inside me, guiding me and helping me along.

Even to the point of my other half doing my worst nightmare and walking out door at 9pm.

I somehow kept my cool, and started preparing myself for walk down to my dads.

Winter always brings with it depression, and I hope that my other half will stay holding my hand, cause my world is getting bigger, and I feel ready to move onto further steps.

I do feel down, ugly and old. Not good enough anymore 😦 am crying now…

I just want my other half to come back to me.

 

Dare I do it?

My eldest might have K tonight, and since the other half is on night shifts, am considering the possibility of staying home for night.

Reasons why I am worried:

If I wake at 3am (which I am likely too) I will realise I’m alone, and think Shit, and panic will come. I have the option going on in my head to, either get out of a warm bed, dressed, grab a bike and peddle like mad to dads, hoping police or no one see me, pray that dads gate is not frozen and I can get safely indoors.

Try and ring other half, so he can reassure me I’m not going mad, and hopefully the anxiety will die down, but can’t guarantee he can be on other end of phone for me.

 

So I have taken the step to ask my mate for her home number, explaining what I’m doing and that I might need to ring or at least have her number knowing she’s about for safety reasons in my head.

She has given me her number, and also said she may pop round to keep me company, and there’s even a sofa at hers if I need it.

Easier to say yes I can do this, while its 9:30am….we will see what happens tonight

 

Grrr go away

Did’t do hardly anything on Mista’s days off.

I did get closer to Skylarks, and while I was nervous the other day going Downham Market, I was good and did’t run back. Just agreed to go factory shop.

And I also went over the bridge to Kings Lynn again, and I was anxious and panicky but stuck it out.

Not going to be much chance this month and next to get out I’m guessing. So will have to make some kind of effort on the home front.

The sun is out

Finally the sun is out and we have blue sky’s. Shame Mista is at work I could have done with a ride out.

Have been feeling alittle dizzy and sore throat, so was abit anxious about coming home, but I had a lemsip and feel alittle better.

Now about to do my challenge for the day, and take my camera out to get a photo of the orchard thats recently just been pulled down near me.

 

Moving forward

Been having a few off days 😦 I’m sure it’s the change in the weather, the dark grey clouds looming above seem to crush me in and all I want to do is retreat into the warm house and snuggle on sofa.

Had a panic attack the other day going to west Walton, my head felt funny as soon as I woke up, and I knew where I was but then i didn’t, it was a really strange feeling.

Anyway I managed to nearly reach SkyLarks, near March this is my next destination on the Menu.

I seem to be more prepared to go down strange and new roads than I used too in the past, which is good.

Break on threw to the other side- The Door’s

Lately it feels  like I have broken through  barriers, and therefore makes sense that in time, if I continue to visit the new places, the circle or my boundaries can only grow bigger!!

I’m certainly having to look for new places to visit because I’ve done all the ones I set out to do.

One day we went to try Long Sutton though, and as with this fear, it can be 1 step forward, 2 back, and I spoke out saying I was nervous My fear rating jumped ahead as we was both anxious with angry thoughts… and the day didn’t end to well 😦

This set me back in a way, and when the day came to have my final CBT meeting which was in March, I was very anxious, I couldn’t find the place, my head was not thinking clearly, and unfortunately I just wanted to run back home, Thankfully Mista restrained himself God bless him, stayed calm, held me and whispered in my ear to just try, just do it for him.

That was all I needed, a gentle, loving approach, my panic monster being swept away for a moment and my Pet Submissive nature crept inside my head for a brief moment, and I did as I was told.

I didn’t want to stay in the place, but I did soon settle down and really it was a great way to end the sessions being in March, a place I never would have thought I would have reached when starting this blog.

I have come along way, I hope I can continue to grow, and that Mista will be there to gently push me in the right direction.

Day 130

Today’s adventure, was an attempt to get back to March, and we did, was anxious for awhile but i did relax and was enjoying the walk around town, even looking inside the Libary, a church and a brief sit down in the park.

We also headed out threw Marshland St James, to try get to the Tilney st lawrence church, but I was’nt to keen heading out there, so we came home and went on a bike ride….

But that’s a tale I can’t tell on here.

Day 129

We checked out Wisbech st mary’s church today, and also headed back out to Walpole to St Peter’s church, was slightly anxious but stuck it out and was calm walking around the place, very impressive church really.

Day 94

Well, we dropped K and N off at my dads, and went to Mums.

We went in her car just me, Mista and Mum, to Kings Lynn, I was anxious but not to bad, I would say about 30%

I freaked out alittle at the carpark, Slight de-realization came and I got scared of what I had just let myself in for.

But it passed with walking, and I was fine out there, I forgot all about my anxiety, sometimes it crept into my head.

But it was very nice to be in a new town.

When we was heading home I was ready for some more, so asked mum if we could go “Castle Rising”

Again I felt like “EEk what was I thinking” as we traveled down there, I knew it wasn’t to far but was apprehensive as was going through some woods, I did recognize the carpark in the woods at one time, I have been there with my dad before.

Anyway had  agood day, Loved seeing the church, and all in all the Panic Monster behaved ~ but then my mum did lock him inside her car boot 🙂

Day 91

End of the Month.

Mista got his bank sorted out, hopefully his Ex will start realising he aint coming back!!!

I think the Kings’s lynn trip is still going ahead, I may have to leave K with my dad and N for a while. And I think we are going to follow my Mum down there!, Yeh it’s weird but if it work’s and get’s me there, It’s better than not trying!