I made it

I got to Downham Market the other day with very little hassle from the Panic Monster.

Had a good day, and was very comfy walking around the town, will definitely go again and also maybe take K with us.

A place that was waiting in the horizon for a very long time, was not even scary once there


Thought I would make a note on the improvement’s I have noticed in myself since starting this blog.

I’m more comfy being on my own, I hated having to sit on my own and in the past would not have done it, I would have gone and sat round someones. But now I can stay at home, wait for Mista to return in the evenings, or stay at my dad’s on my own.

Ok with K could be a different story, I’m alright round my dad’s way with her, and I had been working on being at home with just K, which was going well,but I normally start to feel Un-comfy after about an hour. This I will have to work on.

The other day taking one of my daughter’s to the dentist, I was very relaxed in the waiting room, normally I would be anxious, I’m having to wait for god know’s how long, trapped in a room, everyone’s quiet, I’m fidgety, but no none of that, I was even reading a book, couldn’t believe how calm I was inside.

Even going to Wisbech used to feel scary with Mista, I’m sure he will never forget the 1st time I marched him through town lol

Tescos….Thats another one, didn’t like the place, very big and bright, but now I don’t think about it, I go inside as normal as Larry.

I would say I have improved with car travelling, I’m more comfy with my surrounding area now, and can certainly travel a lot further that I used to be able too. Some day’s I get scared, cause some days that panic still talks to me, I find I can mostly go back to the place and go further if I have had an episode that has scared me and I have asked to go home.

Was very pleased I got to the butterfly park,or at least saw the place,  looking forward to visiting there,  also  got to walk round the town of Long Sutton the other day.

And the cinema, went there the other day, and some nerves where present, but I was not as anxious as the 1st two times I went.

Thanks for Mista for holding my hand, and putting up with the tantrum’s, here’s to many more adventures…..


I would like

I’m not sure when the day will come and I’ll realise that I’m actually out there in the world again, some day’s it feels ok, that I could just keep travelling in the car, I want to know what’s round the next corner, someday’s I still hate the world, it’s a scary place in my head, after spending years in one place. I often wonder how prisoner’s get on being inside for many years the world has got to feel strange and huge to them!!!


I’m aware that I can get to King’s Lynn with some anxiety but not nessaray going to panic, I think what worry’s me is, I get there, and say right we go to one shop or we walk up that one street and I want to go home, I do worry that Mista will be disappointed, it’s wasted his time and while I’m sure I would like nothing better than to stay longer (and maybe I would) I still have that flight response in me, it’s the not daring to push the limit, don’t want to get de-relization.

I need baby steps to move forward.


Bye Bye Panic

I’m actually doing very well.
I made a 2nd trip to kings Lynn with my Mum and Mista, no panics this time, just anxious which is to be expected.
We spent 4 hours up there, going to 2 museum’s, and when we dropped mum off I felt brave enough to try Long Sutton, and I got very close to the butterfly park, I actually made it to Long Sutton, so thought well might as well try Downham market, and I got there as well 🙂 was nervous though, but the steps of regular driving to these places has helped a great deal.

Over the next 2 following days I also went back up to the 1st roundabout on the way to Kings Lynn to try to get used to the road, and we pulled up in the driveway of the Butterfly park, so I’m hoping at some point I can be brave enough to visit.

Have kicked N out of the house, and while we are going through a bit of a struggle I’m hoping we can come out a stronger couple, and it be abit more peaceful at home.
I am slowly getting stronger, and on the way to a full recovery.


Have come up with a new plan, and so far it seems to be working ok.
Instead of just going up the road say heading to Long Sutton, and seeing how far I get, I have to set out an exposure plan and do it in steps.
It’s no good just driving up the road because anxiety is going to set in, then I want to turn back, and I then feel a failure and not accomplished anything 😦

So I made a plan, a route if you like on the whole journey from Wisbech to the butterfly park and wrote down at each stage what my fear factor would be. The idea is to go to a stage that provides small anxiety and to sit it out for a certain set time.
My 1st try was great, I got to my destination, with not a high fear factor as i first thought, we took a walk, got back to car and I was able to go further up the road to see where I would be going the next time.
unfortunately as with the panic beast the next day the timings where all wrong, I was’t 100% me and I failed and came home, though saying that I did reach the destination, just came straight home though.
Next day we went again, and it was a success, again took a walk, and back to car to go further up the road, and was very pleased with myself as crossed the river, saw something new with my eyes, and Things are not really that far and scary.

Since Mista is on a lot of work shifts, I’ve been working on things in the home front, I’ve mostly been left on my own a lot in the day with just me and K as my dad is out at work, Mista is on 12 hour shifts so he isn’t home till 8pm.
Twice now I have in the day gone back with K for a few hours, got our bikes, and when it was 7 bike back home and wait for Mista.

Things seem to be getting easier for me, I’m on the right track finally.

Day 200

Well after 200 day’s, I think that since starting this blog I have come along way.

I know in my own mind that I’ve accomplished things I never dreamed I would, and I’m hoping to make at least a 95% recovery.

But I can only do that with Mista’s support, his patience and trust. I need a rock by my side to support me, to stop my negative thinking.

I think it’s putting too much pressure on him, and I’m going to end up losing him, and I don’t know the way forward if I  lose him.

I wouldn’t have accomplished what I have if it hadn’t have been for Mista. I just need baby steps, Task’s to set myself, and the panic will fade, it already is leaving me, it’s putting a damn hard fight up but it’s going, I havent had an attack I can’t even remember the last time!!!

It’s just the feelings inside me I get that normally I would recognize as panic is coming, and I was in that cycle, I HAVE LEARNT to stop the cycle, that’s got to be a good thing?????

Day 196

Well it’s last day Mista has work. I managed to stay home once, Not good!

I don’t feel to on top of the world really, 12hour days are long for Mista, but it’s also pretty lonely for me, I’ve never spent so much time on my own. Maybe I should get out of the house more, but I just don’t know what to do or where to go?

Day 193

I Stayed home in the morning , it helped knowing my teenage daughter was home,  I was very nervous, my heart was beating so fast thought it was going to come out of my chest, but Mista went off to work and I tried to not listen to the negative things going on in my head like “No one is about your on your own” “If  I go to dad’s he might not be there” I fell asleep waking up a few times, then when it was time to get K ready for school I did feel a little nervous again knowing that I had a panic attack walking her to school from this end, worries me I will have one again, But I did very well, didn’t even take the bikes, decided to walk and be extra brave.

Also got to go watch her play on my own 😦 oh well it will be another challenge

Day 191

I think this was the best day I have had in a long time, without the feeling of panic tapping on my shoulder all the time.

We went to the steam rally, with my Mum, my 1st time at one, It was alright, lot’s of stalls, I liked the Alpaca’s, and the old cars.
The point really for me was the fact that I was able to walk around a different village and be ok with all the noise and people etc.
We then all went for Dinner at the pub, which was great havent had a roast dinner in ages.

Then me and Mista walked to the Hotel to watch a band, I really enjoyed that, and even got up for a dance or two.

More days like this please!

Day 190

Was Mista’s birthday today, we went into town to try get some ingredients for the 3 course meal I was making for him, but could’nt find any quails eggs.
As we was going to a steam rally tommrow I asked if we could head that way so I knew where I was going, we went a new way, and I did start getting very anxious the furthur we was going, I got totally lost in my head and that scared me, But I know inside I handled it pretty well, to the point where I stop fighting the fear and told Mista basically I’m leaving it in his hands to get me home. All turned out well when we got somewhere I knew, I headed back to the area we was going tommrow and all was ok.

Took K to her sister’s in afternoon as she was having her for the night, and then we went to March, saw the Major in alittle fete in the church grounds, and also found some quail’s eggs on the market.

Was an ok evening, my meal turned out ok, Mista was very tired from all the work he had done, and was quiet, I did feel like maybe I had’nt give him the best birthday. But I’m sure he was just whacked out.