Steps

Things are definitely  improving, I reached Kings Lynn again and had to sit in the traffic as there had been an accident, It was quite a high panic attack my worst nightmare in a place I’ve been avoiding for so long. I was shook up but never went home I moved forward and got an hour in town. 🙂

I’ve had to endure night shifts without being at my dads (Safety Zone)

The 1st night I jumped straight in, which was a brave step to take as this is my number 1 fear.

I survived till 4:40am, I woke with an anxiety attack, suddenly  realised I was all alone, heart racing, I tried reasoning with myself that It’s nearly 5am I’ve nearly done it, but I bolted my mind was too weak to rationalize on my own.

Needless to say Mista was not happy cause my Ex is in my safety zone, I agree that its wrong, but not sure what else I could have done other than sit outside somewhere till Morning came? I did not think about who was there, I was so sleep deprived I just wanted some shut-eye and a calmness from the all night anxiety 😦

2nd night I got my eldest daughter to stay over and all was Ok, very calm and got a reasonable good night sleep.

3rd night, not so good, Middle daughter stayed over, she was very good, not unpleasant like she mostly is, she went to bed early, and I played xbox for awhile before retiring to bed.

Once again no sleep, time draggggsssss, I woke 2am in a right panic, my heart was nearly coming out of my chest, everything was strange and unreal, my mind was saying My daughter has properly gone and left me, and Ill give myself a pat on the back cause I stayed in bed and never checked her once which is good for me.

I tried to think of the kings lynn trips, and smiled at the time we had to go up and down the road as we was going to meet a man and take him to Tilney all saints, I thought of the times me and Mista have been through and eventually I must have dozed off again.

So even though someone was here, I never bolted like my mind was telling me to, I stuck it out.

I need to take these steps as a learning curve and hopefully I can put into action some of the other silly issues I am having like:

Leaving home at 6am 

Having to be picked up at 8pm 

I’m going to put these into action.

I have thought about last nights panic and thought if that’s the worst that can happen, than it’s not really to bad, Ok it is at the time, and I know if my youngest daughter is here I can’t run. But its at least been some exposure work into my number 1 fear and this is 1st attempt, I’ve done well 🙂

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